Now, don't get me wrong, I like Belgium a lot. Well, I mean, I don't know shit about most of Belgium but Gent has been good to me despite the fact that I have not been good to it. And furthermore in the following statements I by no means wish to imply that I am perfect and unflawed because if we're honest I have got so many flaws I can't shut about them and keep flinging blogs at you to talk about them and the world and all the interactions involved. Still. This has begun to make me really angry.
The worst lesson I have learned while living in Belgium, the worst habit I have picked up, the worst social practice I have adopted is, without a doubt, this constant habit of apologizing for who you are as a person.
It pisses me off. So many people do it once you get to know each other and I do, more and more, in fact.
Once upon a time you could be an asshole or a bitch and it was just fine but noooo, now you have to be a self-conscious asshole, a self-conscious bitch. What's the point of that? The worst part of this, of course, is that most of these people saying these things are far from being bad people. They just happen to be people doing people things. Sometimes you please everyone with it, sometimes you don't. Tough shit.
Sometimes this habit is harmless - in fact most times it's harmless. But the cumulative analysis makes me feel troubled.
I've had someone apologize to me for being low energy saying - I've had a tough day. I've had someone apologize for rushing around, they have to get somewhere after this - please don't be offended, I find your company perfectly delightful but I also happen to have other obligations outside of your tiny little world.
The self-consciousness and analysis certainly doesn't end there and of course there is a bunch of private anguish that gets hidden but in the end the problem lies in this element of control that is being implied. The implication of control is all-pervasive while simultaneously paradoxical. Because you are to be in control of yourself as an individual, you are supposed to be strong and decisive and responsible for these choices you make as an individual and able to empathize and do right. At the same time, there is an acknowledgement of socialization and upbringing as a deciding factor for some tendencies. IN OTHERS. Certainly not in ourselves. We are aware of our past, thereby giving us the power to change our behaviour. Like a less fun interpretation of the Future Paradox. The idea is that the past is an influence on other people's behaviour which is why you can sympathize - must be tough for them, poor things. Yours only influences you sometimes when you lose control. But never give into the analysis - it was a moment of weakness, not something you are prone to do. You may only ever give in to analysing the effect your past is has upon your behaviour in private and then squash every single tendency that has ever caused you to behave irrationally like a bug.
Other influences on your behaviour can be your present company. They are allowed to influence your decisions. The future outcome of your actions is also a factor. However emotions are not. They should not be taken into account and if you give in to them you have made the wrong decision. Emotional responses are things to be apologized for cause emotions are stupid, everybody knows.
For example: if your current emotional state for the day predisposes you to grumpiness because you are tired, you had better rev up your 'Sorry' engine because you are a bore and a drag and you need to make up for this great inconvenience by assuring everyone that were it not for your stupid humanity you would be the life of the party. The fact that you had this once in a month dip in energy levels is a cause for shame and constant apologies. I've done it, I've had it done to me.
I have apologized for not being very funny - I'm having a shitty week so I can't be my usual entertaining self. I've found myself apologizing for not replying a message as soon as I got it - I was just too tired. I've had someone apologize to me about that too - life got in the fucking way, ok?! I've had that conversation more than once. I've had that conversation devolve into apologies about other possible missteps. That was a long talk.
Since when was it so shameful to be a human with a functioning frontal lobe? The frontal lobe is not responsible for blocking out the limbic system's tantrums, it's there to communicate with it. However since I've come back to Europe I have increasingly had to apologize for making decisions based on emotions or acting according to my emotions out of fear that I may have possibly, somehow offended someone. These apologies are used not as sincere solutions to conflict but as preventative measures. God forbid I step on anyone's toes because we all know how fragile our entire social network is.
It is positively stifling. If the bonds of friendship or even mere acquaintance leave no wiggle room for the simple act of being a human with moods and emotions and off days, it feels as though we ought to be meeting other people. Possibly people with a nice tough exoskeleton to protect their house-of-cards feelings.
Still... you're probably not convinced because my frustrations are possibly only based upon my terrible behaviour or my company.
But this is not true. I've had people apologize to me for how they were behaving countless times now. And I've found myself apologizing to someone for a caustic joke I made after they had just apologized to me 15 minutes before for their own mean joke that they felt might have been over-the-top. It is so fucking boring and useless - and most times unnecessary. Well, maybe in my case it is necessary - I sometimes don't know where to stop. However I've had people over to my house who apologize for not eating fast enough and saying - it's not that I don't like it, it's just hot. Who cares if you didn't like it - it's not a big deal if you don't, I tried, it went wrong, these things happen, I would recover. If you've already complimented the meal, consider me satisfied with your appreciation of it. How you eat it is up to you.
I've apologized for being sad. For being sad about a genuinely sad thing that had happened and that I had decided to take a moment to be human about. I've had someone apologize to me for complaining about the the legitimate problems they were facing in their life. I've apologized to people for complaining so much about other people. That one might have been necessary.
It is a never-ending merry-go-round that is neither merry nor enjoyable. It is only self-analytical and futile.
From the people who brought you Pascal's Wager, heeeeeere's Friendship Insurance! Not sure if you've hurt someone's feelings? Why don't you apologize for your behaviour before it even has the chance to ferment in anybody's mind as a complaint! Pre-emptive apologizing! It's free and it works! Every time.
Snore. Snore snore snore and also annoying. I'm tired of doing it, I'm tired of having it done, it's just no longer cool or interesting. Let's all just stop. If we start to piss each other off and we care about each other enough to want the best future for each other then we can complain about things that bother us and move on. But enough of the pre-emptive bullshit. It's a conversation killer, it bums me out and it can't be good for anyone's self-esteem. I need my esteem, man. My esteem's my bread and butter. Quit fucking with my esteem. Leave my esteem alone :C
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